While I completely agree with Mr. Franklin, I can't help but be upset anyway.
Have you ever felt like you were being stabbed? And if that pain wasn't enough, the attacker twists the knife in your body? While this little description was just a visual to make your face squirm it is a bit overdramatic, but not very far off from the way I feel at this very moment.
The reason isn't even a big one but it's one of those things where when you find out, you get so angry that you just start having a fit and cry. Even if it doesn't mean anything. Like a slap in the face followed by a 'What the fuck?'
You know me, I like to snoop around facebook, checking out updates for random people I never really talk to anymore, let alone ever. I came to a page from this person who is now in two of my classes at school. Before we stopped talking to each other we texted all the time, talking about music, movies, philosophies, etc.
Whether you know this or not is irrelevant but my favorite movie in the whole wide world is Waking Life. You've seen it, it's full of arguments that I can't help but identify with. It's a movie with inspirational ideas, ideologies and thoughts about dreams, life, death, god, and so many other things. I can't help but love something that speaks to me, and asks the same questions I internally battle with every single day.
When revealing my favorite movie, the said person had never seen it before and they vowed to 'check it out'. We stopped talking about a week later and it's been about 3 months maybe. Well, when people usually say they are going to 'check it out' it usually means 'that sounds stupid' or 'I'm going to pretend to check it out but I really don't care'. What it doesn't mean is,
'I'm going to check it out, twist the ideas, make them my own, and tell everyone it was something i discovered and deny the truth of its beginnings. Then I'm going to quote it with other people that probably don't care about the content as much as you (me) do.'
I know this whole thing couldn't possibly have been done on purpose and what do I really have to do with it? Nothing, which makes this whole situation so completely silly.
What really gets me is that when a situation like this happens, it doesn't end there.
Say I talk about Waking Life to this same said person again tomorrow. They will more than likely forget that I brought it up in their life in the first place. When something like this happens, it's hard to be convincing that you knew about the ideas longer than the other person. You start to sound like you are trying to fit in with the crowd when really all you are trying to do is win the battle in your head that you know more than everyone else. This is definitely something that I, personally need to get over. This sense of recognition that I feel I need from everyone.
I have always been the type of person to have ideas about the way things should be. I remember when I first learned about existentialism, and when I decided this is what I believed. I kept it to myself and then someone else, who has a greater social value and social disposition, says publicly they believe the same thing I have already believed before them. I can't come out and say that this is what I believe because then it sound like I'm 'copying them.' When something like this happens you get thrown into a certain sentence structure:
1. You say what you believe with as much conviction and emotion as possible.
2. The other person says, 'Oh yea, so and so believes that too...'
3. The other person then changes their beliefs and the original beliefs are no longer recognized as something substantial.
I am always the person who waits too long to explain themselves. I have always had someone around me who has been one step ahead in relaying what they think.
I am not a follower. I know it seems childish to play these horrible mind games but I can't seem to shake it, especially when there is one person in my life who is constantly there to be one step ahead. It has even gotten to the point where I have to hide what I believe for fear of hearing the structured sentence above. I couldn't take it. I would feel like a failure. This is an entirely different person than the waking life scenario.
I know what you must be thinking. 'Who cares what everyone else thinks, you have to be you.' That's true, but it's hard when the person who is ahead is someone who isn't so far away.
There is also the argument that, 'Everyone develops their ideas and thoughts from someone else, or somewhere else.' While this is completely true, I wouldn't have such a problem with it if it wasn't someone who is so important to so many people for thinking the way they do and acting they way they do or feeling they way they do about everything and anything. I have no desire to befriend this person but it doesn't take away my insecurities I have about the whole situation.
Thinking this way and having this mentality is embarrassing. I feel ashamed for over thinking everything, just as I did as a little girl writing in her diary. Now I have grown up and I'm typing it on an online blog only you read. Not much of an improvement.
I know this whole rant may seem confusing, and for that I'm sorry. I haven't posted in a long time and this certainly isn't the way to come back.
Hello. My name is Alexandra Olfati and being swept along is no longer enough.
Posts
